Thursday, July 30, 2015

Doesn't Matter

They were packing things up after having a bouldering session that night. She knew that he wouldn't join them for some drinks or so called 'lepak jap' before heading home. He's always like that. She's used to it. She had long put out hope that he would join them for a 'lepak'. He had not even put his shirt on yet when they were about to leave. She tried to move as slow as she can so that she could perhaps have some time to talk to him. 

After shaking hands and saying goodbye, she let her friends walk to the car first. She walked very slowly in the hope that he would call her. And talk. She doesn't hope for much, just small talks will do. But the only words that came out of his mouth was "take care," which was nothing special as he said them to everyone else as well. But tonight, the sentence that had always came after that,"apa-apa bagitahu," did not came out of his mouth. Those words used to annoy her because she knew that deep down he didn't really mean it. 

She replied only with a "Hm," without turning to look at him. Just enough to let him know that she heard him. But not specifically the answer. 

As she walked, her heart screamed for her to turn back and face him. To settle things that  had been unsettled for far too long. To ask for questions that had been left unanswered. She was sick of it. She was sick of this cold silence between them. She was tired of thinking every day and night, about what she could have possibly done wrong that things changed 180 degree than it was before.

A memory rushed to her head. On the same breezy night, at the same spot, they chased for each other's shadows just to step on their shadows' heads and childlishly shouted, "yes, i'm stepping on your head!", as if they were really stepping on each other's head. They then stomped their feet loudly while laughing so hard that their stomachs hurt. Tired from all of the chasing, they lied side by side on the mat in front of the wall where everything started. They counted the number of handholds on the wall. And the next game was an untold story. They had a great deal of fun that night. At least she did. 

The memory vanished. 

She was in front of the car when the set of film stopped screening in her head. She knew now that it was too late to turn back and had the talk. He was too far back. And so she got in the backseat of the car that was ready to move any minute. As soon as she shut the door, the car started to leave. From behind the glass window, she stared at him, walking his way to his car. Her heart cried. Tears rolled down her cheeks along with all their memories and the questions that had been left unanswered. 

Editor: Delaila Adam Malek

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Friday, July 3, 2015


Wujudkah aku dalam benak fikirmu?
Pada angin petang yang membawa rasa syahdu,
Pada kepulan gebu awanan yang berarak,
Pada tebaran riang gagak-gagak,
Yang di latari jingga mentari yang kian mengunggu.
Jadi, tanyaku sekali lagi, pernah wujudkah aku dalam benak fikirmu?